9 Things Spammers Don’t Want You To Know

December 15th, 2005

Filed under: Medicine

  1. Nothing short of surgery is going to increase the size of any God-given organ (or organs) you have. No creams, no pills, and no patches.
  2. Nobody ever died of baldness.
  3. All medications have side-effects. This includes over the counter medications and prescription drugs, as well as herbal medications. If someone tells you that their medication doesn’t have side effects, then they are either lying or selling you water (see #5 below)
  4. If you’ve been sick for several days, it’s going to take you at least a couple more days to get completley better. If you get better immediately, it’s unlikely to be the medicine you just started taking.
  5. Homeopathy doesn’t work any better than a placebo or water, and it’s a lot more expensive.
  6. There is no such thing as “Generic Viagra,” “Herbal Viagra,” or “Viagra Patches.” There is just prescription-only brand-name Viagra. And really, where exactly would you put those patches?
  7. Losing weight comes down to simple math. If the calories you burn during the day are more than the amount of calories you eat, you’ll lose weight. If they’re more, you’ll gain. That’s it — there’s no magic involved. All weight loss comes down to a combination of diet and exercise. No over-the-counter pill, liquid, tape or patch will help…unless you use the patch to seal your mouth shut.
  8. Real drugs aren’t spelled with punctuation.
  9. Kevin Trudeau is a con man. All he wants is your money. He doesn’t give a damn about your health.

11 Responses to “ 9 Things Spammers Don’t Want You To Know ”

  1. Carl
    December 16th, 2005 at 5:31 am

    Um, actually several pills (and for all I know, patches) will help you lose weight, by suppressing your appetite. That’s a very odd thing to write.

    I’ve been on a personal crusade to mock homeopaths, myself, though.

  2. Scott
    December 16th, 2005 at 8:01 am
    Official Comment

    A fair point. What I meant to say is that there are no over-the-counter medications that will help a person lose weight.

    There are some prescription medications, amphetamines mostly, that will suppress the appetite. And meth and crack will as well. None of them are particularly safe in the long run.

    Some of the OTC medications claim to “supress the appetite,” but their evidence ranges from less-than-impressive to non-existent.

  3. Scott
    December 16th, 2005 at 2:05 pm

    If you add the OTC caveat, I see your point on most of these, but otherwise some are wrong…
    1) Being on testosterone replacement therapy, I know my endocrinologist keeps track of the size of certain things on a regular basis, although I suppose any changes are not expected to be large in somebody who has not been hypogonadic since adolescence. Your nose grows throughout your life, and there are certainly ways (not good ones, but still) to significantly expand your heart and your liver without surgery…
    2) I suppose someone could die from skin cancer from improper protection of hairless skin, but otherwise, yeah.
    3) Yes, all have potential side effects, although sometimes you’re lucky and they never become apparent. I’m also on thyroid meds since a complete thyroidectomy, and those are pretty much side effect-free, at least when titrated properly to my body weight and metabolism.
    4) Some people define ‘being sick’ in different ways. If cold meds clear up your stuffiness and other systems, some people discount any residual fatigue as their bodies continue to combat the underlying illness, and think of themselves as basically ‘being over it’, whereas others don’t consider themselves over an illness until energy, mood, etc. are all back to their norms.
    5) True, although there’s (sometimes) something to be said for a well-ingrained placebo effect. Lucklily, my grandmother used classical conditioning to get the same effects with chicken soup and tea that others seek with homeopathy, plus they actually provide energy and nutrients to help my body fight the virus.
    6) Given that real Viagra is taken orally and has no problem affecting the relevant body parts, presumably somebody could develop a cutaneous patch that didn’t need to go anywhere in particular; it’s just that they haven’t.
    7) Many drugs affect your appetite and/or basal metabolism, so while there’s certainly no OTC magic bullet, it’s untrue to say that no OTC product will have any impact on things related to weight gain or loss. Of course, so will coffee and cigarettes – this goes back to your comment about side effects. There have also been lab studies on both existing and experimental drugs that have much more dramatic effects, so some drug company may someday be making scads of money on a widely marketable drug that resets your body’s appetite and/or metabolism, but nobody’s there yet.
    On the other side, I’m currently off the thyroid meds so I can get radioiodine treatment next week. AT this stage of the withdrawal process, I could eat like a bird and exercise like mad (or as mad as I could get with the fatigue) and probably still not lose any weight, since my cellular metabolism and thermogenesis is starting to slow down anyway.
    8) No, but some of their names sound really silly nonetheless.
    9) Not familiar, so I’ll take your word for it.

    All that said, yes, spammers are dumb.

  4. Aaron
    December 16th, 2005 at 4:33 pm

    4. Here is how the conversation goes
    Patient: The last few times I’ve had this they’ve given me a ZPak and I’ve been better by the next day.
    Me: Well, despite what Pfizer would have you believe a ZPak isn’t a miracle drug, so if you got better the next day, you probably were going to be better without the ZPak

    1&6. The scrotal patch for testosterone replacement is one of my all time favorite wacky ways to deliver drugs. Even better than the contraceptive ring.

    3. Another conversation
    Nurse: What do you think about [herb] being used for [condition]
    Me: The best way to get people to think that your drug does what you say it does and nothing else and has no side effects is to call it “herbal.” I’m not saying that herbal rememdies don’t do anything. I’m saying that if they really do something, which most of them don’t, they will have side effects, sometimes serious ones. I was sent home from cardiology because I was having palpitations and looked so bad due to the stinging nettle leaf extract that I took for my allergies.

  5. Sleestak
    December 16th, 2005 at 4:47 pm

    “Well, yes miss, I would say that your breasts look to have some sort of rash. But I wouldn’t know what to prescribe for it. I’m just here to fix the air conditioner.”

    You are my hero now for this post. Homeopathy? Suckerpathy is more like it.

  6. Carl
    December 17th, 2005 at 9:40 am

    There are some prescription medications, amphetamines mostly, that will suppress the appetite. And meth and crack will as well.

    Isn’t “meth” methamphetamine? Or are you distinguishign prescription amphetamines from street drugs?

  7. dave
    December 20th, 2005 at 2:21 pm

    Carl … get a life.

  8. sreedhav
    December 27th, 2005 at 3:04 am

    Vis-a-vis point 7,you are good in maths but dosen’t Orlistat tilt the scales a bit?It sure did for me!

  9. Scott
    December 28th, 2005 at 10:39 am
    Official Comment

    To be the devil’s advocate, did you lose weight because of the Orlistat or because of the healthy diet it forced you to eat to avoid the unpleasant side effects?

  10. Anne
    December 29th, 2005 at 10:47 am

    That’s funny, according to the US Army, water cures 89% of everything that could be wrong with you, and ibuprophen cures another 10%. On the other hand, drinking water the way the Army wants you to has definite side effects. In this case, frequent urination isn’t pathological, but it can be damned uncomfortable.

  11. Fred Dixon
    July 18th, 2006 at 8:56 am

    To also be the devils advocate, not sure if i agree with #9. A girl at work has bought and read both of his books, and i can tell a difference in her weight, her energy, and overall happyness. She does his clenses and such regularly and has for 2 years now. She doesn’t drink coffee for energy, and is on NO diet! She swears by him and his healthy ways. I personally have read both books, but i’m a healthy 25 year old male, and really don’t need all that quite yet. I believe he’s sincere in saying it’s “all about the money”….anybody not agree? Nice site though, i’ll bookmark it to see what replies i get for having disagreed with modern medicine vs kevin.

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