Polite Dissent

Like many pieces of legislation that were rushed through Congress, the recent Superhero Registration Act is vague in certain areas and unexpected questions have cropped up. Luckily the government was able to provide this handy guide to common Registration Act questions:

Q: I used to be a mutant but I recently lost my powers. Do I still have to register?
A: No, you do not need to register, but you do need to fill out form 341-T “Declaration of Cessation of Urban Vigilante Activity”. Fill out the personal information, mark the appropriate box for the reason behind your loss of powers, and drop it off at the nearest FBI or SHIELD office. Farm-based hereos will need to fill out form 341-W, which applies to rural activities.

Q: I have to wear a respirator at work and it covers up most of my face — does this mean I have to register as a masked hero?
A: If your gear obscures your identity, then that qualifies as a mask and you are required to register for the Act. As a rule of thumb, if you have to wear a name tag or have your name stenciled anywhere on you clothes, then you need to register. This means that the following professions are required to register by the Act:
• Firemen
• Scuba divers
• Surgeons
• Dentists and Dental Hygienists
• Painters
• Clowns
• Emo kids with hair over their eyes (The United States v. Death Cab for Cutie)
• Rock singers wearing makeup (The United States v. Simmons, Stanley, Criss, Frehley, et.al)

Q: I work as a professional wrestler and wear a mask, do I need to register?
A: If your role is as a heroic or good-aligned wrestler, then yes, you are expected to register. If you play an evil or villanous wrestler, then you are exempt from registration because due to an inadvertant oversight, the Act as written only applies to heroes. If you foresee your role changing, it would be best to go ahead and register now.

Q: Since I’ve registered, can I now declare my costume and other super hero expenditures as work-related expenses on my tax forms?
A: Yes. You can also declare super-hero based medical care as well, and don’t neglect to deduct for mileage and depreciation on vehicles.

Q: I’ve heard that the divorce rate is higher for super-heroes who register.
A: Nothing could be farther from the truth! In actuality, our very scientific studies have shown that a full 78% of indivduals report improved satisfaction with their marriage after registering*.

Q: What about Halloween? Will the Registration Act affect the wearing of costumes and trick-or-treating?
A: Halloween and all pumpkin-related festivities are now illegal under Section II of the Superhero Registration Act. For reasons not entirely clear, Arbor Day has also been outlawed.

Q: My super powers are granted directly by my deity. Isn’t registering as a superhero with the Federal Government overnment a violation of the Establishement Clause?
Q: I’m the Norse God of Thunder. I thinketh that registering with the government dost be a violation of my First Amendment rights to Freedom of Religion.
A: Under the direction of the President, the Department of Justice has determined that the rights “guaranteed” by the Constitution and subsequent amendments do not necessarily apply to super-powered individuals. The only people who would disagree this decision are clearly communists and/or terrorist sympathizers. You’re not a terrorist sympathizer, are you?

Q: As a foreign operative and/or alien and/or time-displaced individual and/or artifical lifeform**, am I still required to register for the Act?
A: Yes you are. Any super-powered or masked individual who operates on American Soil — including outlying territories, helicarriers, and assorted secret moon bases — are required to register with the Federal Government.
In addition to the standard registration form, you may be required to submit one or more of the following forms as well: 338-A (Declaration of Residency in a Foreign Nation), 338-AN (Declaration of Residency in a Non-Recognized Foreign Nation), 338-AX (Declaration of Residency in a Foreign Nation, Since Destroyed or Re-Zoned), 338-C (Declaration of Residency in a Future Timeline), 338-CX (Declaration of Residency in a Future Timeline Which Can No Longer Exist), 338-D (Declaration of Residency in the Past), 338-DS (Declaration of Residency in the Distant Past), 338-DW (Declaration of Residency in an Alternate Past), 338-E (Declaration of Residency on a Planet or Moon within the Solar System), 338-F (Declaration of Residency on an Extra-Solar Planet or Moon), 338-FX (Declaration of Residency on an Extra-Solar Planet or Moon, Since Destroyed), 338-G (Declaration of Residency on an Artifical Planetary Object), 338-GX (Declaration of Residency on an Artificial Planetary Object, Since Destroyed), 338-J (Declaration of Residency in a Parallel Dimension or Alternate Reality, Accessible), 338-JT (Declaration of Residency in a Parallel Dimension or Alternate Reality, Not Accessible), 338-JX (Declaration of Residency in a Parallel Dimension or Alternate Reality, Since Destroyed), 338-K (Declaration of Residency in a Magical or Fictional World), 325-B (Declaration of Individual as an Artificial Lifeform, Biological), 325-E (Declaration of Individual as an Artifical Lifeform, Electronic)**, 325-M (Declaration of Individual as an Articfical Lifeform, Mechanical)**, or 325-S (Declaration of Individual as an Artifical Lifeform, Magical).

* Statistics provided by the Statistical Heuristic Interpretation Evaluation and Logic Department. Margin of error ±75%
**All Mechanical and Electronic Artifical Lifeforms are required to have a compliance chip implanted.