Polite Dissent

Another subtext laden post, just from a different point of view this time.

Cub Reporter Jimmy Olsen is denied entrance to the Bearded Band — a mysterious club only open to men with beards — because he lacks a beard (well, he tried to sneak in with a fake beard, but it was quickly exposed). As he slinks away, a strange bearded man accosts him and offers him a bottle of special beard tonic. Jimmy chugs the strange brew¹ and starts growing a thick beard almost immediately².

Jimmy attends the next Beard Band meeting and discovers that he’s been tricked. The beard tonic is real — but it is far too strong. His beard will keep growing, five or six feet per day, unless he receives the antidote. And the club members will only provide the antidote if Jimmy makes several public appearances across town, proudly displaying his new beard³.

Jimmy tries his best to uphold his end of the bargain, but he keeps getting his beard cut off through no fault of his own⁴ — simply bad luck. Angry, the club members destroy the antidote so that Jimmy will always be bearded. Then they proceed with “Operation Whiskers” — their plan to brew a huge amount of the beard tonic and pour it in Metropolis’s water supply. Thanks to more bad luck from Jimmy, their plan backfires and the beard tonic ends up turning into the very antidote they had earlier destroyed. Unaware of this, they all take a swig of the concoction and everyone — including Jimmy — suddenly loses their beards⁵. Superman appears and destroys the equipment so the members of the club can never brew their tonic again⁶. No more beards for the Beard Band (or Jimmy Olsen).

Notes:
1. Did Jimmy ever meet a potion, tonic, or medicine he didn’t sample?
2. It’s impressive the way the tonic only affects facial hair, and not scalp hair or other body hair. Of course, that’s probably a good thing or Jimmy would have ended up looking like Cousin Itt.
3. The Beard Band are under the impression that these public appearances will increase the popularity of beards. Why? He’s just a bowtie-wearing cub reporter at one of several newspapers in town. Why would men of distinction follow his example? If anything, I think it would make men who already had beards want to shave them off.
4. For the record, his beard is sliced off with a sickle, burned off while cooking lunch, shot off during a robbery, and cut off and used as a means of escape from quicksand — which is apparently common around Metropolis.
5. It’s not really an “antidote” if it caused everyone to lose their beards; more of a facial depilatory.
6. Or at least until they buy more equipment.

Source: Superman’s Pal, Jimmy Olsen #23, “Jimmy Olsen, The Bearded Boy,” by Otto Binder and Curt Swan. It’s actually quite a fun story, one of the better Jimmy Olsen/mad science tales.