Polite Dissent

Smaller Countries Do Poorly In Olympics
Ash Sutton, reporter

ATHENS , Aug 29 (Independent News Channel) — The Olympics are an important symbol of peace not only to the large powers of the world, but also to the smaller nations. While everyone knows that the United States, Russia and China dominated the medals in the Athens Olympics, how did the smaller, more obscure countries fare? Intrepid reporter Ash Sutton traveled to Athens and beyond to get INC this exclusive report.

“Clearly things did not go as well as we had hoped at the Olympics this year,” said Latverian spokesman Boris. “But that is no real surprise given the turmoil in our country this year. Our rightful ruler has disappeared, the Fantastic Four unlawfully usurped power, and now we’re under the control of the United Nations.” As an afterthought, he added, “Frankly, Latveria hasn’t done well in the Olympics since the Peasant Toss was dropped as an event.”

Khandaq’s sole athlete easily won the gold medal in the men’s 105 kg-class weight lifting, but later was stripped of the medal after it was determined that the athlete had benefited from utilizing the Strength of Ammon. “Mystical enhancements are not allowed,” said IOC spokesman Dr. Stephen Strange. “It doesn’t take the Wisdom of Zehuti to know that.” Ruler of Khandaq (and the athlete in question) Black Adam appealed to the Olympic committee but was resoundingly rebuffed. He gave reporters a terse “no comment” before flying off back to Khandaq.

Surprisingly, the desert nation of Bialya was able to win a gold medal in men’s kayaking. Conversely, the Bialyan soccer team was trounced 13-0 by Luxembourg’s three man team and later disappeared from the Olympic Village. Rumors are evenly split over whether they defected or were executed.

Despite bringing a full complement of athletes, Zandia was not able to participate in the Athens Olympics after 100% of their team tested positive for illegal substances.

Another force missing from the Olympics this year was the strength of the underwater empires of Atlantis and Poseidonis. Aquaman, when reached for comment at his current headquarters in San Diego stated that although his nation would normally have attended, recent events along the west coast of North America have made that impossible this year.

Namor, ruler of Atlantis, stated that his people did not attend as they were not invited. He went on to say that this was just another smear on the good name of Atlantis and a further example of the disregard the surface dwellers show for his sovereign kingdom.

Finally, Grodd, ruler of the legendary Gorilla City contacted this reporter shortly before this article went to press. “We are grossly insulted that the denizens of Gorilla City were not invited to this year’s Olympics. Clearly it is because the nations of mankind fear that our Gorilla athletes would put them to shame, if not eat them.” Grodd then added that he hopes to see Beijing in four years.