Polite Dissent

As always, here at STAR Labs we’re on the cutting edge of technological advancement. We’re now pleased to announce the latest in super-hero costume convenience: OnSTAR, the satellite assistance network available at the touch of a button. Ask for it by name when you buy your next costume!

To demonstrate the uses of OnSTAR, the following are real unscripted, unedited customer calls:

OS: This is OnSTAR. How may I assist you Iron Man?
IM: I’m fighting Dr. Doom and he’s taken control of my armor. I’m locked out!
OS: Just a minute, let me trigger the remote lock….there! You should have access now.
IM: Thanks OnSTAR!

OS: This is OnSTAR. How may I assist you?
SM: Yeah, well, I’m supposed to be meeting up with the police to help with a hostage crisis at the First National Bank, but I’m here at the corner of 11th and West and there’s no one here.
OS: That’s because you’re at Second National Bank. You want to fly about ten blocks north.
SM: Umm, which way is north?
OS: Just fly towards the water tower for a few minutes and you’ll find the bank.
SM: There it is! Thanks OnSTAR!

OS: This is OnSTAR. How may I assist you Booster Gold?
BG: I…tried to [gasp]…stop…Gorilla Grodd
OS: Do you need the JLA? I repeat: do you need the JLA?
BG: I can’t…find…my leg…
OS: The JLA are on their way. Just hold on another few minutes.
BG: Thank you…OnSTAR.

With OnSTAR, assistance is just the touch of a button away! Ask for it by name!

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Assistance available only on Earth and its immediate vicinity and time period. Offer not valid on other planets, dimensions, hypertime, hyperspace, or alternate realities. Offer not valid in Iowa. The OnSTAR system is prone to explosions when in close proximity to zeta beams. Actual assistance by the JLA not guaranteed. Not available to villains.