Polite Dissent

Pork Barrel Spending in Metropolis
by Lois Lane, Daily Planet staff

There has been a great deal of attention focused recently on excessive government spending, particularly in the wake of the devastation resulting from Hurricane Katrina and the billions of dollars that will be necessary to rebuild the storm ravaged areas. Leading the charge against congressional pork barrel spending has been a loose coalition of bloggers and other on-line activists. The web site Pork Busters pays testament to their activities.

Many senators and congressmen have addressed the topic at hand. A few have agreed to cut projects, but most have denied that their particular pet projects are in any way pork barrel spending. Given his usual loquaciousness, the congressman from Metropolis has been strangely silent on this topic. Constituents sending letters or e-mails to his office received a brief and poorly spelled form-letter in reply.

After repeated calls from the Daily Planet, Representative Levitz reluctantly agreed to address Congressional pork spending when he spoke to the crowd at a recent pancake breakfast fundraiser for the Committee to Re-elect Pete Ross (CREEPeR).

After the meal was served, Representative Levitz stepped to the podium and spoke:

What many uninformed people see as “Pork” are actually extremely important projects. For example, reinforced vibranium walls for City Hall are a necessity! In a world with criminals like the Joker, the Shocker and Joe Quesada running around, municipal employees deserve adequate protection!

This announcement was met with scattered applause, particularly from the people seated on the stage.

Hurricane Katrina and the Gotham City earthquake have demonstrated how quickly civil government can break down in a disaster. Rather than leave our lives in the hands of a handful of a few fickle costumed vigilantes, I have proposed the creation of the Levitz Armed Mandroid Exigency Situation Team. In the event of a disaster, these Mandroids will be activated and used pre-emptively to provide security and order in this fair city. Again, this is not a Pork project, but rather a means of keeping a responsible individual in control during a possible disaster…namely me.

There have been questions about the Metropolis highway funding as well. A city the size of Metropolis attracts a large number of costumed indiviuduals, both so-called “super-heroes” and “super-villains.” The unlawful activities of these costumed rough-necks routinely have a detrimental effect upon our city’s infrastructure. We desperately need these Federal highway funds to repair the streets of Metropolis. The fact that these street repairs are carried out by a subsidiary of LexCorp is purely coincidental.

Finally, let me remind my constituency that my record speaks for itself. I am against excessive, superfluous and redundant government expenditures. I voted against both of President Luthor’s Battlesuit Bills as well as his needlessly expensive Kryptonian Deportation Depot.

When asked about whether the money spent on the giant robot standing beside him could be better spent elsewhere, Representative Levitz stated:

In this day and age, personal safety is a priority for everyone and this is especially true for elected public officials. This Mark-5 Sentinel is not an example of Pork spending, but instead a vitally important aspect of the War against Terror.

At this point, Representative Levitz quickly left the breakfast, mumbling something about an upcoming “Crisis.”