Polite Dissent

It’s that time again: time to look back on the absolutely worst examples of comic book medicine, both real and imaginary, over the past year.

Worst Depiction of Medicine:
While there was a bunch of mediocre and questionable medicine, there was nothing horrible — at least until the Emergency Room scene on Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight #200 was reprinted in the Batman: Going Sane trade paperback. link #1 link #2

Worst Doctor:
She’s not technically a doctor, but she was acting as one in X-Men Legacy #209, so that counts. The worst doctor of the year was the Omega Prime Sentinel for her plan to revive Professor Xavier from his coma. Far from “jump starting” his brain, her plan would have instead caused him to suffer a massive seizure. And did I mention that she confused volts and amps? Not a good idea when you’re a cyborg. link

Worst Single Medical or Scientific Concept:
The complete mess made of the concept of the genome — confusing the term with both individual genes and genealogy — in Ultimate Origins #1. The idea can be done right (see Warren Ellis), but this was painfully bad. link

Worst Imaginary Medicine or Treatment:
Superman using his heat vision to keep Lois’s heart beating (and then the fact that he kept looking away from her) in Final Crisis and Superman Beyond. No, Don’t ask, I can’t explain it either. link #1 link #2

Dishonorable Mentions:
Hulk’s retina scan.
The continuing mistaken belief that the speed of thought is faster than the speed of light.
Peter Parker being unconscious, yet “alert”.

In what may be a surprise, Catwoman’s missing heart didn’t make the list. There were certainly some problems with the medicine in the storyline — mostly nit-picking and logistical — but ultimately I was willing to accept the fact that Mr. Freeze’s science allowed Hush to pull it off.

Later today, the “Best Comic Book Medicine of 2008″.

Previous “Worst of the Year”: The Worst Comic Book Medicine of 2007 The Worst Comic Book Medicine of 2006 The Worst Comic Book Medicine of 2005 The Worst Comic Book Medicine of 2004

Detective Comics #849 “Heart of Hush, part 4 of 5: Scars”
Paul Dini, writer
Dustin Nguyen, penciler

This month’s issue of Detective Comics, which continues the story of Catwoman’s missing heart, answers some of the questions I raised last month, but leaves others unanswered.

1. The bizarre steampunk-ish machinery used to keep Catwoman alive without her heart is explained away as a machine designed by Mr. Freeze, utilizing his extensive knowledge of cryogenics. Her heart is kept alive in a similarly designed machine in Hush’s lair.
I consider that a reasonable explanation, at least from a comic-book-medicine point of view.
However:

2. Hush explains that after his own run in with heart problems (thanks to the Joker), he “set about learning all I could about the heart — ways to remove it, restart it, test how long it could be kept alive outside the body…”
That’s as good an explanation as we’re probably going to get — and considering Hush is “The Best Neurosurgeon in World” — I’m willing to accept that he’s super-intelligent enough and driven enough to become “Darn Near the Best Cardiothoracic Surgeon in the World” in just a few months.

3. It’s a shame that Dr. Mid-Nite and Mr. Terrific show up just to be stymied. What a waste of great characters.

4. Hush tells Batman that Joker triggered a massive heart attack. Unlikely. An aberrant pacemaker could trigger a fatal arrhythmia, but not a heart attack — that’s a flow problem, not an electrical one. (I go into this in more depth in a previous post about the topic.)

*As always, the phrase “The Best Neurosurgeon in the World” is ™ and © Polite Dissent.

Detective Comics #848 “Heart of Hush”
Paul Dini, writer
Dustin Nguyen, penciller

There are lots of spoilers here, so don’t read past the warning sign unless you’ve already read Detective Comics #848, don’t plan on reading it, or promise not to whine about the plot being spoiled.

The key portion of the plot, in Haiku:

Catwoman captured
deprived of her heart by Hush
left at hospital

First of all, let me state what is hopefully obvious. This is no way resembles realistic medicine. It is what can be best described as “classic comic book medicine” — the same kind of medical science that attaches a man’s head to a gorilla’s body or turns someone into a man/bat hybrid. That’s not to say it’s bad, per se, just horribly inaccurate.

Without knowing where Dini is going with this, it’s hard to speculate precisely what’s happened to Catwoman (Selina Kyle), so I’ll make some educated guesses (and probably some less educated guesses as well).

There’s so much to address in this issue, I’ll just hit the highlights. If there’s anything I gloss over or miss, just mention it in the comments and I’ll address it.

Let’s start by looking at the final scene, with Selina attached to every (steampunk looking) machine in the hospital, including — presumably — the machine that goes ping, after her heart has been removed by the villain Hush.

Selina’s heart is missing, so she’s hooked up to either some sort of artificial heart or heart-lung bypass machine. Given the art, it’s hard to tell which. Selina has tubes bringing blood to and from the heart, and we can see blood in the various pumps, so that suggests a heart-lung machine. But on the other hand, why all the wires — especially that huge 220V cable — leading into the chest cavity unless there’s something in there requiring electrical power (and even so, that’s a hell of a lot of wires). I suspect the artist thinks that a heart-lung machine actually involves an artificial heart placed in the chest and doesn’t realize that all the pumping is performed externally.

How did Selina get hooked up to this monstrosity of a machine? According to Oracle, she was dropped off anonymously at Gotham General in an abandoned ambulance. Was she hooked up to any machines then, or just propped up — her heart missing? All that equipment couldn’t possibly fit in the back of an ambulance, so much — if not all of it — had to have been attached once she arrived at the hospital. Is this really the best equipment the hospital has? And why are a keg, a muffler, and R2-D2 (the same one from Werewolf by Night, apparently) as part of the machine?

Finally, a few thoughts on the de-heartification surgery scene earlier in the issue:

• Removing a heart — presuming one wants to put it, or another one, back — is an operation that takes more than one surgeon, even if they are the Best Neurosurgeon in the World* (and this is cardiothoracic surgery, not brain surgery).
• It’s nice of Hush to wear surgical gloves and a mask over his bandages (though he’s still missing eye protection and has too much exposed skin for him to be considered in surgical garb).
• Speaking of skin exposure, if Selina is “prepped and ready” for heart surgery, why is her gown still on?

*The phrase “The Best Neurosurgeon in the World” is ™ and © Polite Dissent.

Dr. Harleen Quinzel was a psychiatrist who managed to make it through both college and medical school relying on her personal charms and womanly wiles rather than any actual skill or ability. She applied for an internship at Arkham Asylum with the plan of turning her experiences into a best-selling tell-all book later. However, upon arriving at the Asylum, she found herself attracted to the Joker. She managed to persuade her boss into letting her conduct therapy sessions with him, but she was the one who underwent therapy. These were far from normal counseling sessions, and the Joker manipulated Harleen, tugging at her heartstrings and telling her waht she wanted to hear. After one of his escapes and post-pumelling return by Batman, she snapped, stole greasepaint and a costume and became Harley Quinn (This is according to the excellent one-shot comic Mad Love — set in the Batman Adventures continuity — by Paul Dini and Bruce Timm. The regular continuity Harley Quinn has a slightly different origin, but the key points are all the same. All images in this post are from Mad Love.)

Harley Quinn orignated on the Batman Adventures television cartoon (in episode #22, to be exact), but proved so popular she quickly appeared in the regular continuity comics as well. She even had her own 38 issue series from 2000 to 2004.

Since becoming Harley Quinn, Dr. Quinzel has rarely been shown to use her psychiatric skills and training. I recall one storyline (in Catwoman #89) where she used them in an attempt to brainwash Catwoman, but that was about it. Well, it’s not like she really paid attention in class anyway.

Remember what I said in an ealier post about psychiatrists — that they’re comic book shorthand for characters who are “off,” “creepy,” and “up to something.” As far as I’m concerned, this applies to Harley as well. She can be a fun character, but when you get right down to it, there’s something unnerving and more than a little creepy about the her.

• The Wikipedia entry on Harley Quinn.
• Harley Quinn fansites: Harley’s Haven and Harley’s Heaven.
• Gotham Girls, online WB Dini-verse cartoon starring Catwoman, Poison Ivy, and Harley Quinn.
• Funny, she doesn’t look Jewish.
• Harley Quinn in Batman: the Animated Series.
• Arleen Sorkin, the voice of Harley Quinn
• The Birds of Prey TV series, with Mia Sara as Dr. Harleen Quinzel. (Mia Sara is probably best known for her role as Sloane Peterson, Ferris Bueller’s girlfriend in the classic ’80s movie.)
• Harley Quinn Micro-Heroes (scroll to the bottom of the page) and Thrillkiller Micro-Heroes, including that version of Harley.
• The IMDB entry on Harley Quinn Smith, daughter of director and alleged comic book writer (Whatever happened to the Bullseye miniseries? Three and a half years and counting) Kevin Smith.

Tags: comics medicine harleen quinzel harley quinn joker batman psychiatrist .

DC got a great deal of use out of their AIDS PSA ads, and recycled a few of them in the 1990s.

First, there’s the JLA PSA with Booster Gold, Fire, and Blue Beetle (R.I.P.). The ad I originally highlighted was actually the revised ad (I found it in Flash #87, February 1994). The first one is nearly identical except that it features Booster’s classic uniform and Fire still has her powers (found in Hammerlocke #6, February 1993). In between the two ads, the JLA fought Doomsday with a disastrous outcome.

Click on the images for the full page ads

In these next ads, they didn’t update the costumes — instead they swapped characters. The ad I posted featured Hal Jordan. The revision replaces him with John Stewart. (Though I’m not sure which is the re-do. Looking at the art, I suspect Stewart was the original and Jordan the revision. The John Stewart PSA is from an older book — Darkstars #4, January 1993 — while the Hal Jordan PSA is from Catwoman #6, January 1994)

Click on the images for the full page ads

Tags: comics medicine psa hiv aids jla booster gold blue beetle fire green lantern john stewart hal jordan

Another of DC Comics’ AIDS Public Service Announcements from the early 1990s. This one features Green Lantern as he stops a rioting crowd from driving a gay couple out of town because “eveyone knows your kind causes AIDS!”

Click on the image for the full PSA

On one hand I applaud DC for taking an early (well, “early” in the mainstream comic book sense, at least) stand against discrimination.

But on the other hand, this is a really weak attempt. For an AIDS PSA, it leaves so many important things unsaid.

Green Lantern: But now AIDS is spreading fastest among people you wouldn’t expect.

What people “I wouldn’t expect”: Circus clowns? Professional Bull Riders? Midwestern physicians? How about some more pertinent information Green Lantern? Like most of the PSAs in this series, the intent is there, but the delivery leaves a great deal to be desired.

This PSA was scanned in from Catwoman #6 (January 1994).

Tags: comics medicine psa AIDS green lantern

It’s been a year since I took my last look at pregnancy in comics so I think it’s time to take an updated look. In the past few months alone, Selina had her baby, and unlike Jessica Jones, managed to have a pregnancy of less than a year (how long was Jessica pregnant anyway, 2 or 3 years?). As always, comments, corrections, and suggestions are appreciated. Thanks to everyone who has contributed in past years.

Heroes:
ADAM STRANGE
1. Alanna dies during childbirth.

ANIMAL MAN
1. Annie was pregnant and gave birth in the last issues of the series.

AQUAMAN
1. Dolphin and Garth (Tempest) had a son, Cerridan.
2. Mera’s pregnancy happened “off camera.
3. In the Atlantis Chronicles: Cora was raped by her cousin Dardanus and gave birth to Kordax (pregnancy not shown). Also Atlanna had a tryst with her ancestor Atlan and gave birth to Orin (Aquaman). This pregnancy was shown.

AVENGERS
1. Ms. Marvel was pregnant*
2. Scarlet Witch’s pregnancy was shown in the Scarlet Witch and the Vision mini-series, though her twins were later ret-conned out of existence. This led her to become murderously insane and then crossover-miniseries-murderously insane**. Apparently, the children have now shown up as characters in Young Avengers.
3. Jessica Jones was pregnant for what seems like years, and delivered a healthy baby.

BATMAN COMICS
1. Spoiler was pregnant and gave her child up for adoption in Robin; she later died during Wargames.
2. Francine (Man-Bat’s wife) was pregnant in the Batman titles in the 1970s and gave birth in Batman Family #17.
3. Batman and Talia had a son in the more-or-less non-canon Son of the Demon (though the pregnancy was pretty much “off screen”

CATWOMAN:
1. Selina gave birth in the first “One Year Later” issue of Catwoman. The pregnancy has not been shown (it was in that one year time gap) and the identity of the father is unclear at this point.

FALLEN ANGEL
1. Lee conceived a child with Juris. She let him think that she had miscarried after a fight with Boxer, but instead handed her son over to a nun.

FANTASTIC FOUR
1. Sue Richards had Franklin, and then lost her second pregnancy. A magical/time-stream induced third pregnancy gave the Richards a daughter, Valeria.
2. Lyja Storm was pregnant and gave birth to an egg.
3. Crystal and Pietro (Quicksilver) have a daughter Luna. Reed Richards (apparently an obstetrician in his spare time) delivered the baby.

FLASH
1. Iris was pregnant with twins at the time that the silver age Flash (Barry Allen) died.
2. Linda West lost twins due to an attack by Zoom. There was some question as to whether she would be able to become pregnant again. However, after another melee involving the timestream, Linda suddenly found herself very pregnant (from 0 – 9 months in seconds) and delivered a healthy set of twins.

HARBINGERS:
1. Kris Hathaway was pregnant and gave birth to the child who would be sent to the future to become Magnus, Robot Fighter.

INCREDIBLE HULK
1. Betty Banner was pregnant, but miscarried.

IRON MAN
1. Pepper Potts was pregnant, but miscarried.

JLA
1. Sue Dibny was pregnant when she was killedin Identity Crisis #1

JSA
1. Hawkgirl was pregnant as a teenager and gave the child up for adoption.
2. Dove was raped by Hank Hall (Hawk) and later gave birth to a child who ultimately ended up housing the soul of the new Dr. Fate, Hector Hall.
3. Power Girl was mystically impregnated by her grandfather Arion so she could give birth to the prophesied demon fighter Equinox.

INFINITY INC.
1. Hippolyta Hall was pregnant a long time, and ultimately gave birth to Daniel (who was taken from her by Morpheus to become the new Sandman).

KILLRAVEN
1. Carmilla Frost discovered she was pregnant in the Killraven graphic novel.

LOSH (1)
1. Garth Ranzz (Lightning Lad) and Irma Ranz (Saturn Girl) had twins. (Twins are the usual on Garth’s home planet of Winath; however, twins are determined maternally and Irma come from Titan. Plus are the twins fraternal or identical? Both have been shown on Winath in the series.)

LOSH (2)
1. In the “five years later” Legion, Night Girl was not only married to Cosmic Boy, but also pregnant.
2. Laurel Gand had a child by Rond Vidar.
3. The Ranzzs had a second set of twins during the five year gap.

LOSH (3)
1. Apparition (Tinya Wazzo) and Ultra Boy (Jo Nah) have married and had a child (Cub).

L.E.G.I.O.N.
1. Stealth had a child by Vril Dox.

MANHUNTER
1. Kate Spencer miscarried after a fight. She had not been aware she was pregnant.

MIRACLEMAN
1. Liz Moran gave birth in Miracleman #9.

MR. MIRACLE
1. Beautiful Dreamer was pregnant and gave birth.

NOBLE FAMILY
1. Zephyr became pregnant after a spiteful “night of passion” with her family’s greatest enemy. She delivered a healthy child, but it was stolen and she informed that her child had been stillborn.

SABRE
1. Melissa Siren was pregnant and gave birth in Sabre.

SQUADRON SUPREME:
1. Arcanna Jones was pregnant for most of the limited series, and gave birth sucessfully.

STARMAN
1. Jack fathered children with the Mist (see below) and his significant other, Sadie.

SPIDER-MAN
1. Mary Jane was pregnant but miscarried when one of Norman Osborne’s flunkies poisoned her before she gave birth (there is some debate online about whether she actually miscarried or the baby was stolen by Osborn).
2. Gwen Stacy had twins after an ill-advised tryst with Spider-Man’s greatest enemy: Norman Osborn (the Green Goblin).
3. In the Spider-Girl universe, Mary Jane’s second pregnancy was shown in detail.

TEAM TITANS
1. Donna Troy was pregnant at the beginning of this series. Her husband and child died in a car accident, and then she died in Graduation Day. She came back (again), but has yet to mention her family.
2. Mirage was pregnant at the end of the series and has since been shown with her infant daughter Julianna (Refresh my memory: was the father of Julianna the evil future Nightwing? And was it consensual?).

X-MEN
1. Madelynne Prior was pregnant with Scott Summer’s child (and gave birth to him) in the Uncanny X-Men. This child later went on through a very convoluted storyline to become Cable.
2. Wolverine left a pregnant lover behind in the Savage Land in the one-shot Wolverine: The Jungle Adventure (though it’s not 100% certain that he’s the father).
3. According to one of the tales in Classic X-Men, Colossus also fathered a child during a visit to the Savage Land (pregnancy off camera).
4. Angel Salvadore and Beak had a brood of flying beaked kids. Angel laid eggs, so I’m not sure you would necessarily call her pregnant.

Villains:
Punch & Jewlee
1. During their time inSuicide Squad, Jewlee suffered morning sickness and discovered she was pregnant. She and Punchh left the team soon thereafter and the pregnancy and delivery were “off camera.” They later showed up in Hawk & Dove toting a toddler.

Chesire
1. Gave birth to Lian, fathered by Speedy/Arsenal (Roy Harper). The pregnany was entirely off-camera, and Roy didn’t know he was a father until well after the fact.
2. She seduced Thomas Blake (Cat Man) in Villains United, allegedly for him to father a child for her.

Mist
1. Had a child by Jack (Starman). Pregnancy was entirely off camera.

Star-Sapphire
1. Raped by Predator (another of Carol Fenris’s alternate personalities) and impregnated in Green Lantern #43. Gave birth sometime during Extreme Justice.

Non-Super-Hero:
FABLES: Snow White became pregnant after a drug-induced night with Bigby. She later gave birth to a litter of wolf/human hybrids.

Y: THE LAST MAN:
1. Beth is pregnant with Yorrick’s daughter (note that this is not fiancee Beth, but another one)
2. The female astronaut conceived a child with one of her fellow astronauts and has delivered a healthy son

HELLBLAZER:
John Constantine’s birth was shown in detail, including the death of his mother and twin.

LUCIFER:
Jill Presto is mystically impregnanted by a magic deck of cards.

SWAMP THING:
Swamp thing used the body of John Constantine to father a child on Abby, unaware that John was tained with demon’s blood. Abby ultimately gave birth to Tefe. Not sure if pregnancy was “on camera” or not.

STRANGERS in PARADISE:
Francine miscarried.

ELFQUEST is chock-full of pregnancies and births. I’m not conversant enough with the series to comment.

Characters UNABLE to become Pregnant:
1. Black Canary – Sustained tortue injuries in Green Arrow: Longbow Hunters that rendered her sterile. Her recent dip in a Lazarus pit may have reversed this.

2. Firestar – Using her powers will cause her to become sterile. Hank Pym developed a costume for her that repairs the damage.

*Explanation per Matt Rossi: “Ms. Marvel was impregnated originally by Immortus’ son, who used the devices of Limbo to draw her to him, make her fall in love with him, and then implanted himself into her via some freaky Limbo technology. She then was sent back to Avengers mansion where she gave birth in an extremely short amount of time and the baby was Marcus, Immortus’ son (the one who impregnated her, remember) and then the baby, too, grew up rather remarkably quickly while time itself went ape because Marcus, concieved and born in Limbo, was a being out of time and his mere presence, not to mention the twisted nature of his self-conception into our world and the rapid time displacement, was shattering causality. Eventually Marcus agreed to go back to Limbo but pledged his love for Ms Marvel and asked her to come with him to Limbo, which she agreed to do and the Avengers let her (this was later pointed out to have been a really dumb move.) …I’ve simplified this immensely.”

**Explanation per Chris Arndt: “At first they were magically concieved from the Vision and Scarlet Witch’s love. I mean, how else could they do it? The Vision may be a synthezoid, but I bet he lacks swimmers. Heck, in Avengers West Coast, John Byrne revealed that the Vision didn’t even have external equipment, so to speak. Anyway, eventually it was revealed that the kids souls were re-allocated chunks of the major WCA villain at the time, Master Pandemonium. Mephisto stole his soul, broke it in five chunks, and Scarlet Witch accidentily made off with two of them when she started concieving babies; turns out creating life was beyond her; she still housed souls but later the housing disappeared when her thoughts were not specifically on her children. Raw deal. Her memories of the kids were erased to remove the trauma. All in all it turned out to be a good story but definitely something too dark for an all-ages comic. The worst part is that it was part of Byrne’s de-construction of the Scarlet Witch. She made up her children; she forgot her children; most readers assumed that the Vision was anatomically on-model and as Star Trek’s Data puts it “fully functional” and then Byrne revealed that the synthezoid lacked a male member (and based on dialogue the sudden absence wasn’t a noticeable change) which would essentially de-humanize the character to the greatest degree and thus make the Scarlet Witch the sickest she’s ever appeared to her fans. You can fool a legion of nerds, geeks, sci-fi fans, and whatnot into thinking she married a man if they’re given the impression that the Vision is a man but for his origins. It’’s harder to achieve the idea that she married anything but a robot, something with a life value or even a sexual value equevalent “to a toaster oven” when the robot in question has no Mr. Happy!”

Tags: comics medicine pregnancy

Produced by Marvel Comics and the Gas Appliance Manufacturers Association, Daredevil vs. Vapora dealt with the dangers of gasoline fumes. This comic starred not only Daredevil but also his alter ego Matt Murdock — meaning that this is probably the only PSA comic featuring a lawyer as a good guy.

Written by Mindy Newell (better known for the Catwoman and Amethyst mini-series) with pencils by Mike Harris (who earned his stripes on Punisher and The ‘Nam), Daredevil vs. Vapora was published in 1995.

This actually is one of the better written PSA comic books, but I just wonder what audience this was aimed at. It’s doubtful that the 1995 ten-and-younger crowd knew who Daredevil was, and Daredevil fans should have (hopefully) already known this information.

Some of the more interesting searches that led to Polite Dissent in June, divided into easy-to-understand categories:

You should be studying this rather than looking it up on Google:

• What are the different medicine in the Philippines give the kinds and their uses
• Location and organs served by aorta artery

You People Are Sick!

• Real graphic pictures and images of patients bleeding out because of the Ebola virus
• Batgirl Catwoman tentacle
• Comics about sexual diseases

Good Questions

• What does the medical term foosh mean? My nurse accuses me of making up the word whenever I use it, but FOOSH is a legitimate medical acronym. It stands for Fall On Out-Stretched Hand.
• How does Robin fit all his gadgets in his belt from Teen Titans? Um, unstable molecules?
• Polite weight comments. I don’t think there really are any.
• On Teen Titans are Terra and Slade related? No, and in the original comic book it could be inferred that they were sleeping together, and not in the platonic way (personally, I don’t read it that way – I think Terra just liked to play dress up and Slade pretty much ignored her, but I can see how people could get the idea there was something going on).

Not So Good Questions

• Alternative medicine to cure infection in amputated finger. I’m assuming you want to treat an infection in the finger stump, and not the amputated finger itself, because it’s pretty much beyond help by now. Anyway, I’d recommend you see a real doctor for real medicine. Don’t mess around with alternative medicines for infections; they simply don’t work as well as the real thing (if they work at all).
• Value of Spiro Agnew wrist watch? Before or after taxes (chuckle).
• Is their going to be more movies of the original Batman from the 1960s? No. And you do know that’s not the original Batman, right?

TV

• Boy Meets World episode skiing or broken or leg. I remember that one: Cory sprains his leg while skiing, and stays back at the lodge hitting on the hired help instead of spending time on the slopes with his girlfriend Topanga. It was the first of a two-parter and I’m ashamed I actually knew all that off the top of my head.
• Daria DVD box sets Sadly no. I would pay good money for this.

??

• a rh negative and extraterrestial blood
• polite toilet signs

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There’s been way too many sites hot-linking to my images lately. I’m not quite at the point of messing around with the htaccess file (because the last time I tried, I ended up banning everybody from the site), but I’m almost there. For the time being, I’ll be replacing the stolen images/bandwidth with pictures of the Iraqi Information Minister. So if you see his picture out of context on another site, there’s a good chance it’s replacing a hot-linked image.

Catwoman #43 “Pest Control”
Andersen Gabrych, writer
Rick Burchett, artist

After Onyx and her gang are savagely attacked by Killer Croc, she comes to Catwoman for help. While recuperating in one of Catwoman’s hideouts, Onyx sews up her own forehead laceration as the picture on the right shows (click on the image for a larger view).

You’ll notice that Onyx is using a straight needle. In the past, I’ve pointed out that a curved needle is the best method of suturing skin lacerations. When I complained about this previously it was because the supposedly state-of-the-art Xavier Institute was using outdated techniques. In this situation, Onyx probably used whatever was on hand so it makes sense that she’d use a straight needle (though it’s a lot harder to sew skin with one than the panel suggests).

Suturing oneself is possible, though moderately difficult – especially when using a mirror. Tying the knots is the hardest part.

The question is whether or not this laceration should be closed at all. Onyx obtained the cut in a fight with Killer Croc, so it’s logical to assume that she was scratched by one of his claws. Now, Killer Croc has never been known for his good hygiene; in fact, until recently he was living in a sewer. The risk of infection from this injury is quite high.

Generally, wounds with a high chance of infection are not sutured shut because this only increases the risk of infection. The rules aren’t hard and fast; there’s a great deal of debate on this topic. Some physicians will close facial wounds because there is good blood flow to the face and so less chance of infection. Other physicians are more cautious about facial wounds because of the close proximity of important structures such as the nose and eyes. The amount of time elapsed since the injury, the extent of crush damage (common with bites) and how well the wound was cleaned are other key points.

If Onyx’s wound was fairly shallow and has been cleaned very well, then suturing it closed is probably safe. On the other hand, if it’s a deep wound or one that hasn’t been cleaned, suturing would be a bad idea.

I suspect it was a shallow wound that she cleaned well then sutured up with whatever material was readily available so it wouldn’t be bleeding during her rematch with Killer Croc.

Let’s take a quick moment to look at all the second generation super-heroes whose mother is also a super-hero. I’m ignoring alternate universes and “possible futures” (which is why I’m discounting both Franklin Richards and the Spider-Girl continuum). The pre- and post-Crisis makes it a little confusing too.

Let’s start with the most confusing: Fury (Hippolyta Hall).
First, pre-Crisis:
Earth-2 Wonder Woman (mother of) Fury

Now post-Crisis:
Fury (mother of) Fury
Miss America (adoptive mother of) Fury

And let’s not forget that fury is a mother in her own right:
Fury (mother of) Daniel (Sandman)

Sticking with Earth-2:
Catwoman (mother of) Huntress

Moving on, Golden and Silver Age mothers of current heroes:
Liberty Belle (mother of) Jesse Quick
Merry Girl of a Thousand Gimmicks (mother of) Brainwave II
Miss Arrowette (mother of) Arrowette
Hawkgirl (mother of) Silver Scarab/Dr. Fate*
Black Canary (mother of) Black Canary
Bulletgirl (mother of) Windshear

Uncanny X-mothers:
Jean Grey-Summers (mother of) Rachel Summers
Madelyn Pryor-Summers (mother of) Nathan (Cable) Summers

Image Mothers:
Gaia Noble (mother of) Rusty, Race and Zephyr Noble
Firebird (mother of) daughter without a super-hero name at this point

Doomed mothers now subject to re-written continuities:
Elasti-Girl (adoptive mother of) Beast Boy/Changeling

Grandmothers:
Firebrand (adoptive grandmother of) Atom Smasher

Sure, one aspect of their mom’s personality was evil, but they are (or were in Obsidian’s case) heroes:
Thorn (mother of) Jade and Obsidian

*While Hawkgirl is the mother of the current Dr. Fate’s soul, Dawn Granger (Dove) is the mother of his body. I wonder if he sends two cards?

Catwoman #37 is the last issue written by Ed Brubaker. Ostensibly about a birthday party for Selina Kyle, the story is really a send off for Brubaker. He has done some stalwart work on the comic and turned a previous two-dimensional character into one of the most interesting characters in Gotham City.

Still, this issue didn’t sit right for me. Surprisingly, it wasn’t a medical concern this time, but more of a legal issue. I liked the party scenes; they were appropriate both for the characters and Brubaker. Gulacy’s art was acceptable (although I didn’t realize that Wildcat was at the party until someone referred to “Ted”). All of my concerns come down to one scene: when Catwoman intervenes between a rich braggart and his trophy girlfriend. After trading quips, Catwoman quickly KOs the guy and his bodyguards. She then steals his Rolex watch, money clip, and other accessories and gives them to the girlfriend for her to pawn and keep the money.

This is where I have a problem. It’s supposed to be “rob from the rich and give to the poor,” not “rob from the rich and turn to poor into Accessories after the Fact.” Giving money obtained illegally to someone needy is one thing; involving that person in the crime is something else entirely. Catwoman has made the conscious decision to act as a vigilante and accept whatever risks for criminal charges that may bring. For her to involve a bystander who has not made that choice is the wrong thing for her to do.

(It also makes me wonder about the criminals who are caught by super-heroes. For instance, let’s say that Spider-Man interrupts two thieves breaking into a warehouse. He webs them up and leaves them for the police, even including a little note for the men in blue. What can the police charge them with? If there were no victims or witnesses, it is the word of the criminals against a more or less anonymous masked man. Is Spider-Man going to show up to testify in court or give grand jury testimony? And could he, as a masked vigilante? I bet the D.A. is letting a lot of these people go.)

Warning: Spoilers ahead for those who have not read War Games: Act Three

War Games: Act Three was a little better than Act Two, but still suffered in comparison to the generally good Act One. The first two parts (Detective Comics and Legends of the Dark Knight) act did a good job of building momentum in the disastrous meeting in the park. Just as tension was building, the storyline switched over to Nightwing and most of the excitement was lost. Robin also focused almost exclusively on one character, but it was full of action and it’s good to see Tim back as Robin. I particularly enjoyed the way he took down the Trickster without any trouble at all (the Trickster is easily my least favorite of the new Rogues.) Tension built again in the claustrophobic Batman: Gotham Knights where Tarantula and her gang were trapped in an old building. Once again, at the height of tension, the main story was derailed to visit solo characters (Batgirl and Catwoman) — not bad issues, but they added little to the overall plot. Batman existed mostly to tie up all the dangling loose ends, and by the way, Spoiler died (which was pretty much the way the story dealt with it).

War Games wasn’t a bad storyline, but it wasn’t particularly good. I’d rate it higher than Bruce Wayne: Murderer/Fugitive and Hush, but lower than the Batman Family storyline from two years ago. At several intances, the plot and action became mesmerizing. Unfortunately, every time this happened the solo books slowed the story down quickly and all momentum was lost. In future crossovers, DC should keep the plot in the Batman books. The solo books can supplement the story, but not be mandatory reading.

S.C.R.U.B.S. scores for War Games Act Three. The S.C.R.U.B.S. system is a simple numeric formula for quickly determining which Batman storylines are worth reading — and which ones aren’t. Scores for Act One and Act Two have previously been posted. Remember, the lower the number the better the story. The higher the number, the more likely it’s a bad story. The scores are dropping a little each act, but that’s mostly from attrition: fewer villains are left (and more heroes are dead). Detective Comics 799 23 Legends of the Dark Knight 184 18 Nightwing 98 14 Robin 131 13 Batman: Gotham Knights 58 16 Batgirl 57 13 Catwoman 36 13 Batman 633 29 War Games: Act Two (as a whole) 45 War Games, TOTAL 71

No Teen Titans or Justice League Unlimited this week; instead we got G.I. Joe: Venom vs. Valor. Not quite a fair trade (I watched some Black Adder with my father-in-law instead).

There was a new Batman this week: “The Big Dummy.” The villain, as the name suggests, was Scarface. Instead of the comic’s Al Capone look, this dummy had an Al Pacino in Scarface look going for him…if the name fits, I guess. The episode wasn’t all that interesting, really. Scarface and his mob (of two) are robbing a bunch of high-tech companies in order to build a giant robot Scarface (because if there’s one thing that maladjusted ventriloquists know, it’s how to build a giant robot). There was a little bit of an intriguing sideplot with Bruce Wayne going out on a date with a cute female psychologist. It went nowhere, but hopefully we’ll see more of the psychologist in future episodes.

I am puzzled by the choice of villains so far. I can understand the classics such as Joker, Penguin and Catwoman. Man-Bat’s in the classic group for his concept and visuals, if nothing else. I’ll even throw Bane in this group. Then there are the second stringers such as Scarface. Cluemaster doesn’t even rate second string. What about all the other classic villains? Killer Croc, Poison Ivy, Scarecrow or the Riddler? If you’re going to have second- and third-rate villains then what about Signalman? A good villain can liven up a bad script, but there’s not much you can do with a mediocre script and a poor villain.

Unlike War Games: Act One, Act Two has very little medicine. Unfortunately, it also had very little of substance occurring at all. Compared to the generally well done Act One, Act Two was mediocre at best.

The first act had two important things that Act Two is lacking: a sense of action and a rewarding climax. In Act One, readers could feel the frantic sense of desperation as the outnumbered Bat-team tried to confront gang after gang after gang. There was a sense of frantic action that is missing entirely from Act Two. The main players in this drama – the warring gangs – are nowhere to be seen in this arc, which is a shame because their cross-purposes and double-crossing made for some entertaining reading.

Act One had a definite climax it was building toward: the showdown at Tim’s school. There was a sense of organized movement. Sadly, this is also missing from the second act. There is no big climax. The big villain reveal was halfway through the storyline – so much for any sense of drama (and the Black Mask – who really cared?). A group of gangs meeting at a park doesn’t sustain the interest like a pitched battle in school hallways, and it doesn’t even happen until the next act.

There were also some moments that stretched believability too far. For instance, I can see Catwoman successfully defeating the Ravens – she has style and ability. But Tarantula handily defeating villains that Batman and Flash have a hard time with? Maybe she could have taken down the new Trickster and that caped guy from last year’s Batman Family crossover, but Killer Croc and Deadshot? No dice.

In terms of supporting characters, it was nice to see the Tim Drake Robin back in on the action. Both Batgirl and Catwoman had two of the better stories this time around. On the other hand, Nightwing has become such a psycho-whiner recently that I wouldn’t care if he did end up as the killer in Identity Crisis. Spoiler? I didn’t like torture being shown in Long Bow Hunters and it hasn’t improved with age. Plus the art in Robin was really ugly, which didn’t help. Speaking of spoilers, I’d like to thank the DC Comics Encyclopedia for giving away too much about certain characters in this storyline.

I hope that Act Three will be able to regain the momentum that this month lost, but I have little hope. DC should have ended War Games after the first month and it would have been a great success.

S.C.R.U.B.S. scores for War Games Act Two. The S.C.R.U.B.S. system is a simple numeric formula for quickly determining which Batman storylines are worth reading — and which ones aren’t. Scores for Act One can be found here. I should make an extra penalty for torture – that serves no place in a storyline like this, so add as many torture points to Robin as you like. Remember, the lower the number the better the story. The higher the number, the more likely it’s a bad story. Detective Comics 798 13 Legends of the Dark Knight 183 14 Nightwing 97 21 Batman: Gotham Knights 26 Robin 130 15 Batgirl 56 9 Catwoman 35 13 Batman 632 20 War Games: Act Two (as a whole) 46

I had missed “For the Man Who Has Everything” when it was on the first time (I think we were en route to Indianapolis), but I managed to watch it this time. Good. I know the more modern canon has Batman and Superman as more antagonists than friends often, but I alway slike seeing them together relaxing as friends. Remember some of the great Silver Age stories? How about the one where Clark, Bruce, and Lois all went on a cruise and Clark dressed as Batman and Bruce as Superman to fool Lois. Those were the days. Anyway, the point I was making is that I liked the underlying friendship that this episode hinted at. Plus, there was Dana Delaney (mmm…Dana Delaney), or her voice at least. I was puzzled by the inclusion of Mike Farrell as “Pa Kent” in the credits. I don’t remember Pa Kent being anywhere in the episode.

The “Cat and the Bat” on Batman introduced (suprise!) Catwoman. As if the title didn’t give it away. I liked that she was in a more Darwyn Cooke inspired outfit, very similar to outfit in the current Catwoman comic. But was was with those giant ears? She looked more like a fennec fox than a cat. Overall, the episode was good, setting her up as a very-friendly and somewhat-honorable burglar.

H of the Comic Treadmill wanted to know the S.C.R.U.B.S. score for War Games. For those of you who don’t remember, S.C.R.U.B.S. is a numerical system designed to quickly indicate how likely a particular Batman storyline is to be bad. The higher the number, the more likely that it’s a bad story. Just remember, you asked for this…

Rules of Engagement

1. Basic S.C.R.U.B.S. scoring is used (as of Act One, no Advanced S.C.R.U.B.S. modifiers apply…yet)
2. As this is a 25-part crossover, each comic has a starting score of 13
3. A character’s appearance in their own book does not count against the book (For example, Nightwing appearing in Nightwing is not worth S.C.R.U.B.S. points)
4. All secondary characters play substantial roles, so their reduced point value is used (for example Batgirl is +3 instead of her normal +5). The exception to this is the Spoiler who only has a peripheral role in Act One so is still worth her full +6 points (the exception to the exception is that she plays a major role in Batman: The 12? Adventure, so is only +3 there).
5. The Tarantula is counted as equal in annoyance to Batgirl, Spoiler and Orpheus and as such is worth +5/ +3 (your mileage may vary).
6. Each gang is counted as a villain, not each person in the gang. There are eleven gangs total, but not each gang appears in each issue. Also, Orpheus’s gang is not counted as a villain and nor are the Latin Unifieds once the Tarantula takes control of them. (The stories get confusing sometimes, so I may have lost a gang or two somehwere along the way)

The scores:

• Batman: The 12? Adventure
  13 + Spoiler (+3) + Catwoman (+2) + Orpheus (+3) + Nightwing (+1) + Tarantula (+3) + 11 gangs (+9) + Kobra (+1) = 35
• Detective Comics #797
  13 + Oracle (+1) + Orpheus (+3) + Batgirl (+3) + 5 gangs (+3) = 23
• Legends of the Dark Knight #182
  13 + Orpheus (+3) + Oracle (+1) + Batgirl (+3) + 3 gangs (+1) = 21
• Nightwing #96
  13 + Nightwing (0) + Oracle (+1) + Tim Drake (+1) + Tarantula (+3) + 2 gangs (0) = 18
• Batman: Gotham Knights #56
  13 + Oracle (+1) + Nightwing (+1) + Batgirl (+3) + Tarantula (+3) + 6 Gangs (+4) + Hush (+1) + Prometheus (+1) = 27
• Robin #129
  13 + Tim Drake (0) + 2 gangs (0) = 13
• Batgirl #55
  13 + Batgirl (0) + Oracle (+1) + Spoiler (+6) + 1 gang (0) = 20
• Catwoman#34
  13 + Catwoman (0) + Spoiler (+6) + 1 gang (0) + Mr. Freeze (0) = 19
• Batman #631
  13 + Tim Drake (+1) + Oracle (+1) + Nightwing (+1) + Batgirl (+3) + 6 gangs (+4) = 23
• War Games Act One (as a whole)
  13 + Oracle (+1) + Tim Drake (+1) + Nightwing (+1) + Batgirl (+3) + Catwoman (+2) + Orpheus (+3) + Tarantula (+3) + Spoiler (+6) + 9 gangs (+7) + Kobra (+1) + Hush (+1) + Prometheus (+1) = 43

War Games, Act One, parts 1-8
Detective Comics #797, Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight #182, Nightwing #96, Batman: Gotham Knights #56 , Robin #129, Batgirl #55, Catwoman #34, Batman #631

In War Games, a meeting between gang bosses has gone awry and the various gangs are hunting each other across the streets of Gotham City. The first five issues of the series were good, building momentum that lasted through Robin. Unfortunately, the story momentum faltered during the Batgirl and Catwoman issues, and by the time the story returned to the high school siege in the final part, it was almost too late to salvage the storyline.

Given the gang war scenario, much of the Act One storyline dealt at least indirectly with medical care ( and trauma care in particular).

Realizing the potential scale of the medical needs of the gang war (Detective Comics #797), Dr. Leslie Thompkins tells her assistants to call in all her favors and order “all the plasma and whole blood anyone can supply”.

• Having extra blood on hand makes good sense, but whole blood is rarely used when packed red blood cells are available. Fluid overload is a significant concern with whole blood and there is a greater chance of transfusion reactions when whole blood is given. Packed red cells are the best choice.
• I know I’ve said this before, but I’ll say it again: plasma is not used for traumas; its use is limited to patients with clotting disorders.
• On the positive side, it’s nice to see that at least one penciler (Pete Woods, in this case) knows how to draw a nasal cannula correctly.

Later, when Nightwing visits the Thompkins clinic (in Nightwing #96), this bizarre exchange occurs:

Nurse: “Dr. Thompkins, we’ve got four new penetrating traumas and we’re out of cervical collars.”
Dr. Thompkins: “Exsanguinated?”

Exsanguinated is the past tense of exsanguinate, which means to drain of blood. So Dr. Thompkins is asking if the patients were drained of blood. Since this isn’t a vampire flick, that really doesn’t make any sense. I can see her asking if they are bleeding or were bleeding (especially given the penetrating trauma), but not if they were drained of blood. I chalk this one up to the writer (Devin Grayson) incorrectly using a big medical-sounding word. (Or maybe the vampire crime family from Bite Club has moved to Gotham City.)

In Robin #129, Tim Drake and his friends are caught in the crossfire when several different gangs try to abduct their classmate Darla.

• When his friend Jimmy is shot in the leg, Tim correctly tells a bystander how to place direct pressure on the wound to stop the bleeding. He reassures Jimmy, though he should have been more concerned about the fact that he was slipping into shock (“Tim? I feel cold.”).
• Tim does an excellent job of calming potential panic among bystanders and directing them to call 911.
• Later in the issue when Darla is shot, Tim immediately begins performing CPR on her. He is using the correct ratio of 15 compressions to 2 breaths. However, his first concern should be whether Darla even needs CPR. She was shot in the right shoulder/upper back. Based on anatomy, she may have a lacerated subclavian artery (and/or subclavian vein) and a lung injury. The heart was not injured, so the only reason it would stop beating would be lack of blood. Tim needs to stop Darla’s bleeding first and then worry about rescue breathing and chest compressions.

In Catwoman #24, a neighborhood child is shot and Selina brings the patient in to Dr. Thompkins. Thompkins chides her about moving the injured child. As a general rule, it is best not to move an injured patient. If the spine or spinal cord is injured, moving the patient has a chance of worsening the injury. In some other situations (such as a pelvic fracture), moving the patient may increase the bleeding. There are certainly occasions where the patient needs to be moved immediately (a burning car or building, for instance), but this doesn’t seem to be one of them. On the other hand, it’s never mentioned where the child was shot, so it may have been safe to move him after all.

Finally, in the conclusion to War Games Act One (Batman #631), Tim has managed to move Darla to the nurse’s office where the nurse is putting direct pressure on the still bleeding wound (no CPR this time – good!). If Darla’s still bleeding that bad after all this time, it’s definitely not a good sign. According to the nurse she keeps slipping in and out of consciousness which is consistent with shock and the amount of blood she’s lost. It’s really no surpires when she ends up dying of her wound.

My first issue of the new monthly Comic Buyer’s Guide arrived today, horribly mangled by the postal service. I haven’t read it front to back yet, but I’ve read enough of it to form some definite opinions.

At 290 pages, the magazine has a definite heft to it, and the binding is nice. It’s clearly designed for the magazine rack. The title is large and there’s a prominent picture of Spider-Man on the front. The front cover blurbs were a little “magazine-y”. Examples: “Are comics shrinking? Analysis inside!” and “The Purr-fect Guide to Screen Catwomen.”

The interior layout is improved with cleaner fonts and better graphics. About half the pages are black and white newsprint, while the rest are a heavier color stock. Page numbers are prominently displayed, and the ads – even the cheesy ones – are better looking than ever.

Nearly every columnist has migrated from the weekly edition to this monthly one, with an appropriate increase in page count. Tony Isabella does well with his pages, and Peter David’s column, while interesting, would have been better served at half its length. It’s particularly nice to see “Mr. Silver Age” on color pages, but it seems a waste for Captain Comic’s “Canceled Comics Cavalcade” to be in color while the rest of his column is in black and white. The letter pages are still included, but are now located in the back. I guess that’s more traditional for comics, but I always liked them up front. The comic strips are back, for better or worse, though I didn’t see any Fred Hembeck.

The review section has increased in size. With nearly instantaneous reviews available online, monthly reviews strike me as archaic. In general the reviews online are longer and more in-depth than the blurbs available in the CBG. I’d rather see the space used for more columns or historical articles. The manga/anime section has also increased in size, but should still be several pages longer.

There were several interesting feature articles. The best concerned the actresses and voice actresses who have played Catwoman, while the one relating the history of Catwoman was far too superficial. The section on comic book movie trailers also struck me as too superficial and uncritical.

My biggest concern with the monthly magazine is the inclusion of the price guide. Do we really need this on a monthly basis? A price guide just reinforces the idea that comics exist mostly as a collectible item. It also takes up nearly one-third of the magazine. And is a price guide for super-hero collectible card games really necessary?

Overall it is an impressive looking magazine. Production values are clearly improved, and content essentially the same as the weekly incarnation, only more so. There seems to be a concerning trend toward the superficiality in articles; I’d rather have fewer longer articles than more short ones. At this point I can’t recommend it over the weekly version, but I’ll certainly give it a few more months to catch its stride before I decide for sure.

As I’ve mentioned repeatedly in previous posts, I have been unimpressed by recent storylines in the Batman titles. Wouldn’t it be nice to know beforehand exactly how bad a particular story arc is going to be?

I hereby introduce S.C.R.U.B.S. (Scoring Concerning the Readabilty/Unreadabilty of Batman Storylines). It is a scoring system designed to give a quick determination of whether a particular Batman title storyline is going to be particularly bad. It is not designed to identify good storylines, just highlight the ones likely to be bad.

Scoring is easy, consisting of 4 areas of considerationsfor Basic SCRUBS (length of storyline, identity of Batman, side-kicks/guest stars and villains). Special modifiers are added in Advanced SCRUBS. The Basic SCRUBS score can be figured out from advance solicitations and no significant advance knowledge is needed. The Advanced system is more accurate, but requires more in-depth knowledge of the storyline. Once the Basic or Advanced score is determined, the Final Score table will show whether the storyline is worth reading. Scores are also comparable to one another: a storyline with a score of 14 is worse than one with a score of 7, and a storyline scoring 31 will be much worse than either of them.

Basic SCRUBS Storyline Length: 1 point for each issue of a storyline in a regular title. 1/2 point for each issue of a storyline in a limited-series or crossover (rounded up). Batman’s Identity: +5 points if Batman is someone other than Bruce Wayne. Sidekicks/Guest Stars: +1 point if Robin (Tim Drake or Dick Grayson) or Oracle is involved. +2 points if Nightwing is involved (only +1 if he is in at least half the storyline). +3 points if Batgirl (Barbara Gordon) or Robin (Jason Todd or Stephanie Brown) is involved (only +2 if he or she is in at least half the storyline). +4 points if the Huntress or Catwoman is involved (only +2 if she is in at least half the storyline). +5 points if Batgirl (Cassandra Kain), Spoiler, or Orpheus is involved (only +3 if he or she is in at least half the storyline). +5 points if Superman or Wonder Woman are involved +6 points if any other JLA member is involved. Also +6 points if Batwoman (Kathy Kane) or Bat-Girl (Bette Kane) are involved. +7 points if any other superhero is involved. +8 points if super-powered animals or Bat-mite are involved. Villains: +1 point for each villain greater than 2 involved in the storyline.

Advanced SCRUBS Use the Basic SCRUBS scoring, but add the following list of special modifier. Major Character dies (+5) Minor character dies (+2) Love interest is introduced (+3) Love interest dies (+5) Love interest is introduced and dies (+10) New villain is introduced (+4) New hero is introduced (+3) A character or villain is brought back from the dead (+5) A secret identity is revealed (+5) A Hero or Villain acts out of character (even if explained away later) (+5) Wayne business interets are threatened (+4)

 

Final Score Result 1-8 Probably safe. 9-16 Potential for bad storytelling exists. Read with caution. 17-24 Almost certainly bad. Recommended for completists or those with money to burn. 25-32 Painful to read. Recommened only for obsessive collectors or those with other psychological problems. 33+ DNR. Not worth the paper it is printed on.

Examples:

• In Knight Moves in Batman: Gotham Knights (#38-40), a 3-part storyline where Batman and the Huntress fight Checkmate before the Huntress ultimately agrees to join the organization. This would score 10 points: 3 points for number of issues, 2 points for the Huntress (as she was a major character ), and 5 points for her acting out of character.
• Batman: City of Lights would score 18 points. 4 points for being an 8 issue limited series, +3 for Batgirl (as she is a main character), +4 for a new villain, +2 for the death of a minor character, and +5 for Batman acting out of character.
• I don’t even want to calculate the score from Hush

With just a little work, this system could be adjusted to fit other super-hero titles as well. Reading Previews will give us enough for Basic SCRUB scores, and reviewers could put Advanced SCRUB scores in their reviews. With the use of SCRUBS, bad Batman storylines can be avoided!
(I admit this is tounge in cheek — mostly — but I still think it could work.)

As anyone reading my last post can surmise, I was not a big fan of the Hush storyline in Batman. It was overwrought, underdrawn, and padded in terms of both characters and storyline. Sure, Jim Lee can draw. But remember when he used to draw action instead of pin-ups? Remember when characters were added to the story to add substance, not to give the artist another character to draw (and DC Direct another statue to sell)? Sigh.

Still, I would have loved to be a fly on the wall when Jeph Loeb was pitching the story to Paul Levitz, President of DC…

Jeph: Paul. I’ve got this great idea for a new Batman villain…Hush!
Paul (whispering): What’s his name?
Jeph: Hush!
Paul (still whispering): I’m being as quiet as I can!
Jeph: No, Hush is his name!
Paul: Oh. What are his powers?
Jeph: He’s a neurosurgeon!
Paul: A neurosurgeon?
Jeph: He’s the best damned neurosurgeon in the whole world!
Paul: Oh. Who is he?
Jeph: I’m going to introduce Bruce Wayne’s best friend from childhood in the first issue. That’s who Hush will be! I’ll fool everyone!
Paul: So you’re going to fool everyone by having him be the obvious choice?
Jeph: Exactly!
Paul: Oh. And what sort of costume will he have?
Jeph: It’s brilliant in its simplicity and originality: He’ll wear a trench coat and have bandages around his head!
Paul: So Batman’s new villain will look like the Unknown Soldier.
Jeph: And I’ll have Two-Face seek redemption by getting plastic surgery!
Paul: Didn’t Frank Miller already do that in Dark Knight Returns?
Jeph: No, he copied me.
Paul: What?
Jeph: You see, Dark Knight Returns is set in the future, and therefore will happen after my story. Thus, Miller copied me!
Paul: I don’t think that-
Jeph: And I’ll have Catwoman, Superman, and Krypto. And there’ll be Poison Ivy, Harlequin, the Joker, Clayface, Huntress, and Killer Croc! I’m even thinking about bringing back Signalman! And Benedict Arnold!
Paul: Jeph, how are you going to get people to buy this alleged “masterpiece.”
Jeph: I’ll have Jim Lee do the art.
Paul: Well, OK then. Sounds good.

My wife was kind enough to let me assist in two ways for our wedding: I could choose the cake topper, and I could pick the music for before the ceremony and the processional. She knew my interests and my sense of humor, so she knew what she’d be sacrificing.

For the music, I stayed with the normal Barouqe music common to weddings. I did add a few songs into the mix: the Princess Bride, the theme from Lost in Space (the movie, not the TV show…bad movie, but good music), and the theme from the Incredible Hulk TV show. It sounds weird, but all the pieces fit in perfectly with the traditional music. Unless you knew what my additions were, you’d just think it was regular wedding music. You could see people give a smile when they recognized what I added, but it wasn’t many. Last but not least, I had the Planet of Krypton (from Superman the Movie) as the bridesmaids, groomsmen, and groom were introduced. It’s the best short dramatic piece, ever.
I let my bride keep the traditional music for her grand entrance. I’m not stupid.
Read more…

As it is the fourth of the month, I went through Mile High Comic’s list of upcoming comics (July releases) and updated my pull list. Just looking at the new #1’s coming out, here are the ones that struck my fancy, or totally disinterested me. There are other #1’s, but they didn’t inspire the heights (or depths) of feelings these did.

Good:

• Kabuki and Powers. Two good books come to Marvel’s new Icon Line
• Starjammers. Somebody finally must have written a decent Starjammers book. No really. Please. (And I think it’s the height of hyperbole to call artist Ale Garza a superstar…OK he did Gen 13, Vol. 2 — but that wasn’t nearly superstar material.)
• Batman: Order of the Beasts. By Eddie Campbell. Sounds promising.
• Doom Patrol. Not long after the demise after the last title of the same name. Sigh, I’ll give Byrne a try…One. Last. Time.
• Books of Magick: Life During Wartime. A new Tim Hunter storyline (even if it is an alternate timeline). And co-written by Gaiman. Count me in.
• Noble Causes. A new Noble Causes mini-series. Always a fun read.

Bad:

• Catwoman: The Movie. A movie title, count me out.
• Guardian. Just does not intrigue me. The title and concept remind me of Guardians of the Galaxy, an overated title.
• Loki. The Asgard mythos needs a Stan Lee (or at least a Walt Simonson) to be interesting. This has the hit-or-miss Rodi instead. Pass.
• Man-Thing. Another movie title. This time a ‘prequel.’ Nope.

Guilty admission: I ordered the Cloak and Dagger busts. Damn. I’ve always been a sucker for those characters…

Tags: comics kabuki powers starjammers doom patrol books of magic noble causes catwoman guardian loki man-thing